screwed

SERIOUSLY,
Why can't life be simpler? Why must it be confusing?
Why can't human nature be simpler too? Why do feelings complicate your life and affect your mood this badly? WHY?

This is my last year in cj and it's a very important year indeed. Being 19, an age of maturity, i dont feel the sense of urgency to do things or even to start planning for my future. Not that i did not give a single thought about my future, but the thought of going away from where i am now confuses me too. Happy thoughts lingers in my mind all the time, but life is not a bed of roses all the time.

For now, i go to school everyday just because i have to. I neither enjoy it nor looking forward to it. It seems as though im physically there but my heart and soul arent present. I may be seen laughing and being happy all the time. However, no one knows what is going on inside my mind. Different thoughts, getting deeper and deeper by each day, it seemed never ending.
Bus rides to and fro school are the worst. half an hour to yourself, I just kept thinking and thinking. But it seems that i do not know what im thinking about. Im just confused with how things being run nowadays. I dont even see a point to certain things sometimes, but i still do it. How stupid is that?

Im still 18 - the age where freedom and happy times are supposed to be. However, this is not my case. Like steph said, im having midlife crisis? I just kept thinking about plenty of things and getting confused over things. This is not what 18 year olds should be doing. At one hand, they should be enjoying their life and on the other hand, they should be concentrating for As. Still, have i ever done this for now? I guess not. My mind is always full of thoughts, even when im sleeping. I cant get proper sleep, my mind just keep on running wild with thoughts. WHY?

On a side note,
Weird is such a funny word that gives one a hard time thinking for a reason. Both to you and me, it seems weird now, but what happened the last time? Where has that gone to?


OMG, life sucks. never been suck-ier (if such word exists) than this before. Screwed up life.